Saturday, February 03, 2007

I am a bad guy....

Hence I got a chance to talk with him. He is Vishnu, my subordinate, a handsome guy of 28, punctual at his work, but…

I took charge of this office two weeks ago. The company transferred me to this branch for intensive business promotion. I toil myself to re-animate this company and make this office disciplined. But this guy… His actions make me sneer, snigger or puke.

Being the in charge of this office, I once stared at him bringing all anger into my eyes, when he pulled out the attendance register from my desk at around 11 in the morning. He stared back at me with the same intensity. I might have burned in his eyes. As the guy had no sanity, I decided to stay mum. I hate him, I am mad at him. I will teach him a lesson.

His eyes are just like my husband’s, a bit bulged and always looking drunk. My husband and I parted long back. After his frequent visits to pubs and girl friend's houses, he used to come home late in the night and beat me for no reason. I did not want the shadow of this miserable life over my son, Appu, and that is the reason why I made him sleep in another room even when he was very young. My Appu really missed the warmth of my chest.
This drunken monkey reminded me of my husband. I hate him, I am mad at him. I will teach him a lesson.

I can hear his laugh outside my cabin.
"eh, what is going on there?"
"hmm, it's tea break"

"Oh, he is coming to my cabin! What is his intention?'
"I am leaving for the day" he said casually.
"Is this a market to come and go as your wish my voice was raised in anger.
He was cool and obediently lowered his head and said in a low voice
"Ma’m, yesterday you left office in the afternoon for attending a literary meeting. Did you submit any leave letter or send any fax message to head office? My work for today is over, I can't stay here for longer"
I swallowed the words I kept in store for him.
“How he knew I left the office to attend the meeting? How he knew I didn’t submit leave application or inform the head office?”
“Permission granted”, I heard his loud voice followed by a general laughter.

I hate him, I am mad at him and I will teach him a lesson

Where am I?
When did I start sleeping? the guy sitting beside me, this ugly face??? He is smiling at me. I turned away my face. I hate him, I am mad at him, I will teach him a lesson.

Oh!! Here is a glucose drip stand and I see a cupboard in the corner where some medicines were kept. It’s too dark out side.
I remember, today I was very tired at office.
I tried to get up. He helped me to sit up, smiling at me.
I tried to smile back. No my face is still…

“I am a bad guy” he was murmuring, It seemed as if he was scared that his sound may disturb my health and peace.

Appu is crying inside me, hugging me tightly
“ Amma, Am I a bad guy?’ tears welling up in the innocent eyes of my ten year old kid, and flowing down his cute reddened face.

It was a day before he shifted to the boarding school. I was arranging his suitcase. He stood near to the door looking at me.
“Amma, why are u compelling me to be in boarding school? I can’t live away from you” His voice was of deepest pain. My innocent kid, he was my world, happiness and peace.
“Kutta, I want to see you as a great person. For that you have to grow up as a good guy. That is the reason I am sending you to a good school“ I tried to cheer him up.
“Amma, am I a bad guy?” Suddenly he wept loudly hugging me tightly.

I agreed to my husband’s decision, only to save my kid’s future. My lovely kid, he never wanted to leave me, I stood before the portico waving at him till the car faded from view. Next moment Appu was in front of me as a smart handsome young guy who is taking care of his mother at her old age. The dream itself made me happy, a smile bloomed on my lips. I was not able to predict the future, his luggage’s returned home with out its owner. My little kid is crying inside me, hugging me tightly. “Amma, am I a bad guy?”

As he grew up, his confrontations became prominent in all his activities. He started to make his own decisions and act accordingly. None of the school authorities knew his plan for an adventurous tour when he was in 10th standard. I lost him forever in that waterfall.

Appu is sitting in front of me….. No it is Vishnu, my subordinate. He is talking about his past life.

An abandoned kid and a pregnant mother.

A helpless little boy stood out side his single roomed hovel late at night holding his diseased sister’s hands while his mother earned money for the daily bread inside.

A brilliant student who met his expenses on his own.

A courageous brother, who took the responsibility of his sister when his mother passed away due to some sexually transmitted disease, and took her away when the eagles eyed on his little princess.

A hopeless, desperate soul stood alone in the midst of crowd when the little princess left him for ever.

"ma'm the struggles I faced, made me forget how to respect elders. I am… a bad guy"

I could see tear drops rolling down his cheeks. A stinging pain in my womb, A baby’s cry some where around, milk dripping from my breasts…

I felt like hugging him, kissing him and say “Vishnu, you are not a bad guy”. But all my words got stuck in my throat and tear drops rolled down my cheeks too. Yes, May be I am getting back my son.